she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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