omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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