I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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