You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
