she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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