Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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