I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
