I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
