God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.