i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.