dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to make out with him forever
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.