at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
