shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
