Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
