you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
