and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
