haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Randomize
