how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
