He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
