If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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