My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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