I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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