You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
