I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
