That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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