my phone needs a breathalizer
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
