can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
