it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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