Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Four minutes until I can fart!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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