Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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