Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
