The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this boner is exhausting
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
