Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
