Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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