just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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