dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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