Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
