I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
