My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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