I will die if light touches me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
