On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
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The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow