I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats