Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
