The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
