Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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