can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
