i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
