Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
