it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
