don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
