dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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