Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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