So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
