life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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