The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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