i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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