im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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