I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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