Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I didn't shave. On purpose
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
