We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
