Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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